Living in the age of cohabitation before marriage

Separating myth from fact brings needed clarity to the issue of living together before marriage.

Just a couple decades ago, the idea that their daughter might sleep with a man before marriage was a source of nightmare for many parents. Nowadays, premarital sex raises far fewer eyebrows, as the influence of Western culture is boosting the popularity of premarital cohabitation in many Asian societies. "It helps us learn about each other before we get married" is the often-heard justification, but is this really the way things work between men and women? Having spent much of my career counselling married couples, I must respectfully beg to differ.

FROM THE WEST

While the West can take credit for the idea of living together before marriage, it has been embraced by many segments of Asian cultures in recent years in surprisingly large numbers, thanks to the globalisation push of recent decades. Cohabitation is typically justified as a "practice run" for couples planning to marry; they can experience what it's like to live together, thus pre-emptying any unpleasant post-wedding surprises.

However, a number of research studies have shed light on the subject by comparing couples who live together before marriage and couples who don't. The results show the latter group generally has a higher probability of enjoying a stronger marriage in both quality and longevity.

The relationships of those who don't live together prior to marriage are typically more mature and more disciplined, as the couple tends to exercise more patience and care while the relationship progresses. As a result, couples treasure their mutual bond, and each partner shows a greater willingness to adapt him or herself for the good of the marriage.

Research on cohabiting couples shows they view living together as a "tryout" which, should it end in failure, simply brings them to the next instance of finding a new partner. This attitude leads them to take marriage less seriously, and they make less of an effort to make adjustments for the good of the marriage. Their married lives are, in a word, fragile.

Realising this reality, a growing number of Western couples are opting to wait until marriage before living together, while in Asia, cohabitation before marriage is still growing in popularity.

Generations of living under much stricter moral codes has fostered a pent-up desire for greater freedom among today's young Asian adults. As the influence of the west continues to grow, men and women in Asian cultures show a growing eagerness to scrap the old moral code to make room for the age of the fleeting relationship.

WOMEN'S THINKING

Motherhood is a natural desire for most women. A man is still central to achieving this goal, and marriage is still critical to gain society's approval. That helps explain why, when a woman meets her man-of-choice, she will often take aggressive action to propel the relationship toward marriage _ and being open to premarital cohabitation is an added option that increases her chances. Most women believe that, by moving in together, the relationship will become more serious and their male partner will become more likely to accept them as their life partner.

This is also the thinking behind some women's willingness to engage in unprotected sex with their male partner, as a demonstration of trust that he will take responsibility in the event of a pregnancy.

However, while women tend to see premarital sex as a way to nurture the bond with their partner, men's more frivolous nature compels them to view cohabitation as an opportunity to expand their selection of women without having to make a commitment to marriage.

The risks inherent in premarital cohabitation therefore rest entirely on the female side. I urge women having premarital sex to exercise more caution vis-a-vis birth control. Hanging on to the fantasy that having a child will keep her man committed has a highly predictable outcome _ a single mother raising her child without a father.

JUST SAY NO

In today's society, where sex before marriage continues to gain popularity, men think nothing of inviting their lovers to have sex. Women who prefer to wait until marriage have to take a strong stand to decline a man's invitation. They must make the "no" very clear and leave no room for negotiation.

But "just say no" carries the risk of bringing more harm than good, as some men find a woman's firm rejection of sex a serious blow to their pride and ego, and many simply move on to searching for another, more willing, partner. I advise women to include expressions of love and genuine caring so that the man understands her refusal is done with the interests of both partners at heart.

Women who want to wait until marriage should be mindful of situations that may lead to unintended intimacy; the most important rule is to not put yourself in a situation where you are alone with a man in a private space. I'm not trying to imply that men are wild animals that can't be trusted, but along with having faith in your partner you should have a healthy sense of caution. Keeping a proper distance helps a couple to move their relationship forward with rational, level-headed adults who are well on their way to a positive outcome.

reference  http://www.bangkokpost.com/news/health/259613/living-in-the-age-of-cohabitation-before-marriage