Raise your child, not race them

Hungarian composer and pianist Bela Bartok once said that competitions are for horses, not artists. I agree, and I would like to say that competitions are also not for little children, especially if the competition is about trying to be someone they are not.

Hungarian composer and pianist Bela Bartok

A few months ago, I turned on the TV and saw a little girl, perhaps about 8 years old, dressed in a very flamboyant dress, with heavy make-up. She was singing a song about love in a very flirtatious way, and the way she danced was no less inviting. It would have been acceptable had she been 10 years older (or 20 years older if she were my daughter). But for an 8-year-old, I found the act quite disturbing and not age-appropriate.

It was a "talent show" searching for little stars, and all the kids were dressed up like they were old enough to vote although their age was a single digit. Should these children be judged based on how well they imitate adults? I don't think that's fair or even necessary at all.

One time I went to a department store and there was a dance competition for children. A group of small children got on stage and danced to Britney Spears' Do Somethin' which goes, "I see you lookin' at me like I got what you need. Get up out of your seat. Why don't you do somethin'?"

I was shocked not only by the song they had chosen but also the way these little girls danced, shaking their recently-nappies-free bottoms and batting their fake lashes. The crowds cheered. The parents were applauding proudly. Competing with other groups of children who were dancing meekly to kiddy songs, this group took home the prize.

There are two things I don't like about this kind of competition. First and foremost, these kids are awarded for not being themselves or being their age. They are praised because they act like adults, and they will be further encouraged to be older than they are ready to be. Yes, songs are just songs, and just because these kids hear them it might not mean they will do what the songs say. I grew up listening to many PG18 songs but I didn't behave that way. Still, is it really a healthy habit for a young girl to play pint-sized version of Britney Spears, and more worryingly, do it rather well? The concept may sound "cute" but it gives the kids the wrong idea of what "talent" really mean. (To be honest, I don't think the adult contestants in many talent shows get it either. It's all about the appearance now.)

Secondly, teaching children to be competitive is not good. Yes, there are advantages, as the real world is full of competitions. Dr Sylvia Rimm, a parenting expert, said that in her research on the childhoods of successful women, winning in competition was the most frequently mentioned positive experience.

However, children are too small to understand competing and other things that come with it, such as success, failure, criticism and judgment. Before the parents or teachers decide to let their child enter a competition, they should be sure that they can cope with these things. Most of the times, the parents of the winner gloat, teaching the child to be a sore winner, while the parents of those who do not win sometimes shower them with sympathy, making the loss feel like a bigger deal than it is. These habits are unhealthy for the children, as they will not learn how to accept victory and defeat properly.

I would say, do not expose your child to competition if you, as a parent, are not sure how to explain what it means to win or lose. If you know that you will be disappointed when your kid loses, do not do it. Nothing hurts children's little hearts more than knowing they have let their dearest mummy and daddy down. When you are disappointed, it will show, and your kid will certainly feel it. For most children, losing a competition is not as painful as disappointing the parents. For many parents, sadly, losing face is more devastating than their child's feeling.

I have once seen a mother berating her child for losing. "I've told you to practice more! You never listened to me! See? You didn't win anything. What a waste of time!" The mother was yelling and the poor little thing was just crying. It was a heartbreaking scene for me. And that was just a very small competition with a few silly prizes.

Let children be children. They have sweet, adorable charms and innocence that make them so lovely. Don't encourage them to be someone they are not, just to please the adults. After all, we all only get a few years to be children, so we might as well let them enjoy their time. If there's anything more unpleasant than a child posing as an adult, it is an adult posing as a child to make up for the lost chance. Let them be children when their appearance still suits them.

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